


Good Vibration

by audreyslove



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-18
Updated: 2018-09-18
Packaged: 2019-07-13 20:33:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16025483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/audreyslove/pseuds/audreyslove
Summary: Robin's bachelor party gets a bit too real.  Based on amazing art by phoenix_shine found here: https://twitter.com/audreysl0ve/status/1041904740215533568





	Good Vibration

This story was inspired by the hilarious and effortlessly realistic artwork by [@phoenix_shine](http://www.twitter.com/phoenix_shine).  Thank you for this work of art, Christina!!

 

 

 

Storybrooke has been an adjustment, to say the least, for Robin.  When he first met Regina in the Enchanted Forest, she told him of the way the world worked in the Land Without Magic, and he found it fascinating.  

_“I don’t think I’d much like the Land Without Magic,” he tells her as they lie in bed together.  “Taking off your corset would take much longer without your help. And you couldn’t magic it back on at the last second when it’s time for you to leave.”_

_She smiles back at him and bites his lip.  “Clothes are different in the land without magic.  Women don’t usually wear corsets.”_

_“What do they wear?” he asks curiously._

_“Would you like to see?” she asks.  “An outfit from my world, I mean?”_

_He nods, then regrets it as she shoves out of bed to stand.  She’s a bit tipsy on mulled wine tonight, she’s been so pliant and passionate.  She’s wanted it without any of the doubts that usually surround their nights together.  Tonight she’s not conflicted at all about their arrangement. She’s had a revelation today, she’s closer to finding a way home to Henry and for once in her life, she seems hopeful.  God, she’s so beautiful when she’s hopeful._

She’s naked, standing in front of him, her long hair free and falling loosely around her, and Robin can’t believe he just said he wants to see her in clothes ** _._ ** _But before he can take back his words, she waves her hand and transforms into… well…_

_It’s a black dress of sorts, or is it?  There’s a red jacket over it, it’s fitted, hugs every curve._

_The skirt of the dress is so short, he can see a generous amount of leg.  She’s also wearing boots that end right at the knee that somehow make her even more tempting._

_“This is what I would wear to work,” she explains, and Robin nearly dies._

_“How can anyone get work done when you look like that?” he asks.  “Gods, women must do all the work in your realm, how can the men help but stare?”_

_“You get used to it,” Regina smiles and shrugs.  “So much more bare skin.”_

_“What do you wear when you aren’t working?” Robin asks._

_“Depends on the weather and the event.  If I were just shopping in a cooler month, I might wear…”_

_She flips her hand and changes.  There are dark blue trousers covering her legs that look as if they are painted on, and a knitted top that fits snugly around her body._

_She looks a bit nervous in these clothes and fidgets with her hair, sweeping the long locks around her shoulder, combing some strays into place._

_“Gorgeous,” he groans._

_“The good thing about these outfits,” she says as she switches into another tantalizing black skirt with a red tight top.  “Is that it is easy to remove them. Would you like to try?”_

_“Would I like to try to get you out of your clothes?  Very much so.”_

_She laughs and points to the back of her skirt.  “This is called a zipper. Pull the tab down.”_

_He helps her with buttons and zippers until she is in her underclothes._

_And what the underclothes look like in this realm, dear fuck._

_The top covers only her breasts, two straps over her shoulder, her belly all bare and tempting.  And then what covers her legs is damn near tantalizing matching with bits of lace cut in such a way that most of her beautiful ass is on display._

_“Gods, you are beautiful,” he moans.  “I need you back in bed. Now.”_

_She giggles and crawls back into bed with him.  She lets him touch, lets him cup her bra and rub over her underwear and bare ass._

_She draws one of his hands up and behind her and says, “Let me show you how to take these off.”_

_“Please do,” he murmurs._

It became a tradition of sorts, with them.  She’d tell him about this realm late at night, share some oddities about it, and he’d listen and ask questions.

She liked talking about the realm, Robin always assumed it made her feel closer to Henry.

As much as she talked about it with Robin during that year, he still finds new things every day that he doesn’t quite understand about this world.  

Killian and David have been here longer, so they usually have answers to his questions.

But they all seem to agree that this realm is a strange place.

One thing he definitely does not understand is a bachelorette party.  

He had asked Regina to marry him after they returned from the Underworld.  

It was completely spontaneous.  She was caring for his daughter — a daughter she had risked her life to save hours ago.  Robin was useless that night, his nerves on end from almost losing Regina and his daughter at once. He couldn’t soothe his child, couldn’t figure out what she needed. But Regina was there to take her, to hold her, press a comforting kiss to her forehead before settling on the couch and burping her (a stubborn bubble of air, that, he had tried burping her over and over).

He saw her all curled up with his now-serene child, her eyes half hooded and sleepy, a satisfied smile on her face, speaking of seeing Roland and Henry tomorrow, of wanting to have a family day where they just relax, and his heart swelled so big the words just tumbled out of his mouth.

“Marry me.”

She had given him one of those smiles that lights his entire world up, the ones she reserves just for him.  She hadn’t squealed or jumped the way Marian had, hadn’t rushed to kiss and hug him. She just held fast to the child in her arms and nodded and said: “I’d love to.”

He expected a small ceremony in the woods sometime in the next week.  Tuck could officiate amongst children and family, and that would be that.

Regina was more than amenable to a simple wedding, in fact, she was vehemently opposed to getting married in a church or at city hall.  She wanted an outdoor ceremony, rustic and homey, incredibly, entirely different from her stuffy royal wedding.

But this realm has certain expectations of the ceremony and party afterwards— even for non-royals, it seems. Regina had given Snow an obsession with the entire decadent world of wedding planning and the princess has wholly inserted herself into their nuptials.

Suddenly the wedding was two whole months away (“hardly enough time!” proclaimed Snow) and Regina was being dragged into secret meetings with women where they discussed the most trivial of details.

“Have you picked a caterer?” Snow asks him one day as if Robin should know what the word means.

He just stares at her blankly until she explains, “Who will prepare the food, Robin?  I know you have your heart set on an outdoor wedding, but who will prepare the meal and the cake and the—“

“I don’t bloody know, I just want to say my vows and see her wear my ring,” he grumbles.  “Maybe John will roast a pig or something.”

“And what, you will eat with you hands hunched over a rock?  This is a wedding, Robin, honestly, you men…”

“Regina likes Granny’s food, perhaps—“

“Robin you are not having your wedding catered by a _diner._ Remy’s is a very nice restaurant and I bet if you call right now you can book him.  You can’t have a truly excellent wedding without excellent food, everyone knows that!  Regina, did you hear what your fiancé just suggested? He wanted the food catered from _Granny’s._ ”

Regina just looks at her puzzled.  “I thought John would just roast a pig, and—“

“Regina, stop joking!  This is serious!”

Snow ushers her away and Regina just laughs, trading Robin a knowing look.

Regina never lets herself be ordered around, never lets someone else dictate things she wants, but she has let Snow convince her to do quite a lot.  Sometimes he catches her sharp inhale of breath, the flippant comments she makes at some of Snow’s over the top suggestions, but overall, she lets her take the lead in planning the wedding.  Rather easily, it seems.

He had asked Regina about it once and she admitted with a small smile, “I think it’s nice that she cares so much.  If she wants to plan the rustic wedding of her cursed dreams, I see no harm in letting her.”

Perhaps this is always the relationship with Snow White the Queen wished she had, and she was willing to suffer gaudy gowns and tacky wedding favors to keep it.

The women began spending so much time together that the men start to organize outings themselves.

Robin has spent years with his own men, and has no shortage of male companionship.  Still, he welcomes the opportunity to take a break from staying up with an infant to relax and recharge.

Regina is having something called a _bachelorette party,_ and he is supposed to be having a _bachelor party._  It’s essential that they both spend the night apart, without coming home to family, that they live as single people for the next few hours (it strikes him as odd since it’s the exact opposite of how he likes to spend his nights, but he trusts her, and enjoys exchanging looks with her as an excited Snow White explains the tradition).  So tonight Regina is spending the night at a luxury condo in town, splitting it with far too many women, while Robin is supposed to be spending time with the men. Snow secured them a little lodge on the outskirts of town, assuming Robin may want to hunt and fish for the weekend.

But he has done both activities for much of his life — for necessity, not for sport, and it seems silly to spend one's recreational time slaughtering animals that do not need to die.  So he opted for drinks and Granny’s comfort food; perhaps they will wander to the Rabbit Hole later before getting a cab to drive them home.

There’s a brothel in town called The Siren’s Grotto — or not a brothel.  It is called a _strip club_ in this world.  Regina had told him he was allowed to go there and gawk at the other women in town, but the idea just does not appeal to Robin.  The town is far too small, he can’t imagine seeing these women bare and raunchy and then having to smile at them when he passes them on the street.  So much to Arthur, Killian, and David’s disappointment, he turned down the chance to have nude women rubbing up on them.

But there is still fun to be had, and they are well drunk right now; Granny has had a heavy hand in pouring the drinks, laughing at them as they tell old war stories.  They have something in common —Killian, he, Arthur and David are all adventurers. They crave it, love it, have had many thrills in their past.

He’s enjoying their company, the quiet before the rest of his men join in the fun a bit later.

David is a lightweight, it seems, already nearly toppling over getting off the barstool, knocking into a bag he’s brought with him as he goes.

It’s later in the evening but Granny’s really isn’t the place for such behavior.

“Shall we head to the Rabbit Hole, then?” Robin laughs, “While Davis can still walk?”

“I have to walk all the way to the girls’ condo first,” David grumbles.  “To drop off the _surprise gifts_ they have for Regina.”

Robin’s eyes open wide at that.  David can barely keep from laughing, and Killian is already snickering.

Oh god, what are they planning to do to his lovely fiancé?

“Regina is being a good sport, but if the princess intends to bombard her with prank gifts—“

“Oh these aren’t pranks,” Davi says, taking a deep swing of ale.  “They are _very_ real.”

“I helped Emma pick out her gift.  She wouldn’t agree to the edible underwear, though.  Said Regina would never want something so sugary that close to her… you know.  Apparently, it’s insanitary, but it sounds delicious.”

David shakes his head.  “Those things are odd.”

“Edible underwear?” Robin grimaces. “That’s a bit unnecessary, isn’t there enough to eat down there without the wrapping?  Why do you need that?”

Arthur roars with laughter as Killian shrugs as if he doesn’t quite agree, and Robin cannot help but wonder if he’s properly pleasing Emma (God, he doesn’t want to think about that).

David looks at Robin as if almost annoyed and asks, “How do you feel about the… pleasure devices of this world?”

Robin cannot imagine what he’s talking about, pleasure device?  The television?

“I am afraid I’m not sure what devices we are talking about.”

“Oh yes, you do,” Hook laughs.  “The ones that _buzz_?”

Robin tries to think of a device that buzzes.  “The electric toothbrush?”

“Is that what she calls it?” Arthur laughs again, and Robin is left confused and a bit annoyed.

“What are you on about?”

“I don’t think he knows, mate,” Killian laughs.  “And that’s a shame because the girls have really stocked up for her.”

“Sex toys, mate,” Arthur explains.  “Replacements for us. It is a wonder any woman in this realm wants a man anymore.  Can we really compete with something that _vibrates?_

“We can't, but if we’re nice enough they will let us play with their toys alongside them,” Killian winks.

“Please, you are dating my _daughter,”_ Charming groans, “I don’t want to imagine you using a vibrating phallus on my daughter.”

“They _vibrate?”_ Robin asks incredulously.  “Why has Regina not mentioned this?”

Charming is bending over, shuffling for something in the big bag.

“They vibrate, they are shaped in the most inhuman ways to maximize… whatever feeling,” Arthur explains. “God the women light up like you wouldn’t believe when you use those things, trust me. It’s like magic.  You’re really missing out, mate.”

“And _everything_ vibrates,” Charming says, pulling out a smooth aubergine-colored object, long, slender, it angles at the end into a round… Robin doesn’t know what it is how it fits or goes… anywhere. He recognizes a skimpy pair of underwear, shiny red fabrics with black lace surrounding it - it’s not Regina’s style, it looks maybe a bit tawdry for her liking.  “The panties vibrate, too.”

Well, that is fucking enough.

“Niiiice,” Killian draws out, licking his lips, and if Robin weren’t so drunk and distracted by the idea of knickers that _shake_ he might be annoyed at the fact his friend is clearly picturing his bride to be wearing _that._

“Vibrating underclothes?” Robin asks incredulously.  “What the fuck is wrong with this realm?”

“Nothing is wrong, everything is _very_ right,” Arthur says, wagging his eyebrows.

“You can control the vibrations with a remote.  I’ve done it with Snow,” David says proudly. “Actually, we’ve used it here.”

Robin’s mouth drops open.  He can’t explain why but he cannot picture Snow White in such a position  “First of all, that’s the Princess you’re talking about, and where I’m from it would be a crime to even—”

“Relax you’re from here now, better get used to it,” David smirks.  

“I’ll bet the Queen would have a ball getting her rocks off in front of everyone, wearing those,” Killian says, his voice dropped low and wanton.

“Alright, as her almost husband I probably should be telling you to shut the fuck up,”  Robin attempts to sound angry, but really he’s just… so outraged at the unnecessary devices of this world. “And what the hell are you holding, David?  Where does that even go?”

David laughs and switches the oddly shaped stick on, the little scrap of lingerie still hanging off it.  There’s a buzzing sound now, and the hanging fabric dances and shakes around it.

“You can use it anywhere, they will show you where to put it.  There’s a certain spot… I don’t know, Snow shows me,” David explains.

“Dear god, David, I know how to please a woman!” Robin says, and now, oh no, he’s worried about Snow, no wonder she needs this device.  “I’m saying does that thing go inside or out?!”

“Oh,” David looks at it, puzzled.  “You know I’m not sure about this one.”

“They’ve got ones you put around your cock too,” Arthur says with conviction. “You use it while you pound into her, feels good for her and you.  Rather ingenious.”

The man was dumped by Guinevere a while ago and Robin isn’t sure what happened.  But, frankly, Guinevere is very refined and graceful and Arthur is a crude and impish man child, so it seemed like an unlikely pairing.  Since their breakup, Robin has heard Arthur has made his way through some of the other single ladies in town.

What frustrates Robin is that every man seems to know about these items but him.  And Arthur has just gotten into town, where have these things been hiding?

“How did I not know about these things sooner?” Robin asks, and he hears the almost comical frustration in his voice.  “I would have… I’m no prude!”

“Maybe the Queen was embarrassed,” Arthur offers.  “It’s a delicate issue, she wants to appear refined, and all…”

“Maybe she thought you’d be upset at the thought of something else finishing her off,” Killian ventures.  “You know, didn’t want to show you the competition.”

“Oh, how much competition can a vibrating stick be?” Robin waves off.  

“That is what I thought til Emma let me use it on her and she came four times,” Killian answers.

“My _daughter,”_ David reminds.  “I’m just going to forget you said that…”

“Really, ask Regina about it, mate.  It’s a nice experience.”

“They have ones you can use on men, too.” David says, then immediately regrets when Arthur asks exactly how men use one.  He shrugs his ears red as he says, “I haven’t used them, I just heard… Nevermind.”

“Prince David, have you stuck a vibrating cock up your ass?” Killian asks before downing the last of his whiskey.

“You know, I’m not sure how much of this I should be pretending I don’t hear,” Granny finally speaks up.

Oh yeah, that’s right.  Public place.

David looks positively embarrassed, and that is it, this is _not_ what tonight was supposed to be about.

“This is not the bachelor party I had in mind!” Robin says, his voice full of exasperation.  “In fact, the bachelor party I had in mind was no party at all, but it certainly wasn’t learning far too much about you men and your sex lives.”

“This all could have been avoided if we went to the strip club,” Killian points out.  “It’s not too late, we could—”

“Absolutely not!” Robin exclaims.  “We’re going to the Rabbit Hole, and we are drinking shots and forgetting about vibrating cocks in asses and remote controlled candy underwear.  And we’re certainly not discussing whether Regina has a secret sex toy collection.”

He’s not going to be upset about this.  He’s not going to dwell and wonder why Regina never told him about these devices that apparently all women have (perhaps she doesn’t have it?  No, twenty-eight years in this realm and she would have tried it, there’s no way she wouldn’t have). If she doesn’t want him to share in this activity, that is entirely up to her (but is she using it when he’s around, and if so, why hide that from him?  He’d settle to even just watch her use it on herself, just once, the thought alone makes him feel dizzy with need). Their sex life is fantastic, far and away the most satisfying experience he’s ever had (but _four times_ for Emma in one sitting, that is so many peaks.  And all in one sitting, Robin has never managed more than three, could this device make things better for Regina?  Is it better for her without him?). He doesn’t need to know about what Regina does with her spare time. It’s not as if she’s present for every orgasm he has, anyway (oh, but he wants to her be).  

They go to the Rabbit Hole, after helping David walk back to the girls’ condo, where he delivers the toys, repackaging the vibe and the panties back into their respective boxes.

“Good luck, mate,” Killian says with a chuckle.

Robin’s men join them at the Rabbit Hole, and the events of earlier that night are soon forgotten.

For the night, at least.  

The next morning, Robin wakes up a bit groggy and disheveled, but no worse for the wear.  He leaves after a hearty breakfast cooked by John (He’s not showing his face at Granny’s any time soon, the widow Lucas will no doubt never let him hear the end of last night’s messy conversation).  

He misses Regina, misses his children.  A night away should be fun, and it was, it truly was.  It’s just… well, he would prefer to come home to his family every night, no matter how they spend their days.  

Regina must feel the same, because he’s not home more than ten minutes when she appears, sunglasses on, wearing a tee shirt and some cotton trousers he doesn’t think he’s seen her wear in public before, carrying a few bags with her.

“Hey,” Regina smiles, taking off her glasses.  “Did you have fun?”

“Mm, it was as nice as you would expect an evening to go with royals, pirates and forest folk.  And _lots_ of liquor, of course.”

“Yes, Snow had that club make a signature drink for me.  It’s called a poisoned apple. As far as I can tell there’s actual poison in there, if how I felt this morning is any indication.”

Robin laughs.  “Was it fun?”

“It was….” Regina seems to be searching for words.  “It was a bit unusual. The girls had fun. Apparently, a bachelorette is largely about embarrassing yourself.  Though Snow embarrassed herself enough for everyone.”

Robin smirks.  “David did the same,” he admits.  “They must be soulmates.”

“Mm,” Regina agrees.  “Parts were fun, parts were amusing.  I might have rather come home to you in our own bed, though.”

Speaking of soulmates.

He can’t help but smile like a schoolboy at that admission.

“As would I.  Why don’t you go take a nap upstairs?  I’ll handle the children for today when Ashley brings them around.”

“Bless you,” Regina groans.  “Oh, and we have some _gifts_ from the women.”

“Oh?” Robin asks, trying to sound completely unaware.  “What kind of gifts?”

Regina smirks and opens one of her bags up, revealing a lot of boxed up little items with pink and black casing.  “Things to use in the bedroom,” she explains shyly. “I can’t remember if we’ve discussed the… adult toys of this world.  But we now have so many of them to try, I suppose, should we get bored. I told them I’ve never felt the need to use any of these things with you, that you’re far better than it’s ever been with a piece of silicone, obviously. As well as my old standby has served me in the past... I haven’t used it ages. Not since we… became an us.  I told the girls that and at first they didn’t believe me. And then I think I might have made a few them jealous. Snow included.”

Robin chuckles, trying to keep himself from brimming with pride.  “You don’t _need_ it with me, but should you ever want to—”

“Oh, it might be fun to try sometime,” Regina says coyly.  “There’s just a lot of new things to discover with you, and I haven’t gotten to, you know, _toys_ yet.  But I suppose this can only make it better, though.”

She kisses him quickly, a light, tongue filled little peck, then shuffles upstairs to bed, clutching the bag of sex toys in her hand and promising they will be locked up in a drawer in her closet, far away from any of their children’s eyes.  

Robin can’t help but ruin the serene moment as he remembers their conversation from last night.

“Regina?”

“Mm?” she asks from the top of the stairs.

“We spoke of the toys last night.  David apparently has used one of those vibrating phalluses on himself.  Presumably with the Princess. So let that image lull you to sleep.”

He watches her eyes widen, her jaw drop comically low, eyebrows raised almost to the ceiling

“Rob- _inn!!”_  Regina says in a high pitched whine.  “I didn’t need to know that right before I sleep! _”_  

“You may need to concoct a memory potion,” Robin suggests, “Give it to me too, I fear I’ll never sleep again.”

“I hate you,” she says, her voice dripping with so much love he can almost feel it from across the room.

“I love you, too, darling,” he says back.  

She flashes him one of those grateful smiles and retires to her bedroom.

He sees Regina next hours later, as she pads downstairs, hair tousled from sleep, all curled and free and gorgeous, skin bare of any makeup.  She’s not in her usual robe and silk pajamas trading it instead for an old worn tee shirt and the same cloth trousers she wears when she’s exhausted.  And then Regina curls up with him on the couch as the boys tell her about their evening with Ashley.

He notices it then, how comfortable she is with him, in a way she isn’t with others. How she lets him weave his fingers through her tangled hair, how she yawns freely in front of him, whispers that she still has a headache, would he mind dimming the lights just a bit?

He notices how she still shudders when he touches her, still blushes when he whispers that she’s beautiful.

Something clicks and he just realizes why she hasn’t wanted to use any of those pleasure devices in their love making.

Both he and Regina have had a complicated, messy past love life. But Regina has never had _love_ and _sex_ together, not before him.  He knows that, she’s admitted it several times.  She was pure before the King, it was close with Maleficent, but she could never fully love her, not with Rumple whispering words of revenge and self loathing in her ear.

They have passion and trust, love and intimacy.  And it’s all new for Regina. New and so rewarding.  

What may seem like a vanilla sex life is in fact very new and exotic to her.

That is thrilling on it’s own.  

There is no need for vibrating knickers.

Yet, anyway.

 


End file.
